A Lesson I Carry Every Day...

We spent the weekend in Dallas with my hubby's grandfather. He is over 80 and loves Madi so that was nice. It was the second Father's Day I've spent away from my Dad, so that was a little tough. I also felt a bit conflicted because on the way back from Dallas we stopped at my father's house. It just felt strange to spend Father's Day with him and not see the man who acted like my father for most of my life.

I guess I should do a little explaining. When I refer to my "Dad," I am usually talking about my stepfather. He and my mother have been together for nearly 20 years. I'm not much older than that. Let's just say he was at my kindergarten graduation. He has always treated me like his biological daughter even when I was a complete teenage asshole. I have always loved and appreciated him because he loved me and he didn't have to. I think that's pretty special.

On the other hand, my "father" and I have a tumultuous relationship. I would rather not spend much time talking about that, I will simply say that efforts to reconcile were always thwarted by some random and unpredictable outburst or lashing out on his part. As a result, I have made a logical decision to stop seeking a "father-daughter" relationship with him.

When I got pregnant, we were not on speaking terms. But as I got closer to my delivery date, I thought about my son being afforded an opportunity to have a relationship with his biological grandfather. Family is important to me, and although my stepfather is great, I would like for my son to know ALL of where he comes from. The fact that I tried so many times to build a relationship with my father is evidence of how important I think he is. And although that relationship may never be salvaged, I do not want to stop him from being a great grandfather if that's who he wants to be. 

It made me very emotional. I didn't want him to hurt my son the way that he hurt me. I was also forced to confront the notion that I couldn't protect my son from everything even if I wanted to. So, I really struggled with this - the idea of making he and my son's relationship work even though ours didn't. Fortunately, hubby came to the rescue and met with him before our son was born and serve(d/s) as a sort of liaison. When we visit I go too, but he's become "Grandpa Alan," instead of "Dad." That works for me.

In any event, I didn't mean to make this post about my poor relationship with my father. I think the lesson my father taught me is to ensure that I pick a good father for my children so they never have to go through the things that I did. The past two father's day, and every day since I first discovered I was pregnant I am so thankful (and sometimes jealous) that my son has such a great father. Father's are invaluable. They have such an impact on esteem, something that I didn't realize until I was a bit older. I thank my father for teaching me that - a lesson I carry every day.

Jumped In!

This week we started parent/child swim class at our local YMCA. It is an eight-session class - 30 minute classes Monday - Thursday for two weeks. We just finished our first week and we are having a blast!

During Madi's first two months he would scream through bath time. We bathed him on one of

those bath slings and I think he didn't really like being exposed in the air. We took baths together and he seemed to tolerate those. As he got older, bath time became more and more fun for him, which was great.

Before swim class Madi had only been swimming a few times. He was three or four months then and seemed to innately know how to paddle and kick. That was so amazing. Recently, we took him swimming at a pool with graduated depth. He LOVED that, so much that I had to keep him from walking in too deep!

Things were a bit different in swim class. The first night, Madi clung to me and didn't want to play or splash at all. I was really worried that the next two weeks would be miserable - for him AND me. 

The next day, Madi had something in store for me! He was surprisingly much more comfortable, kicking, splashing, dipping his face in the water (and drinking it, too), and laughing! He even jumped in! 

Flashback...

I think I am getting worse. It's almost Tuesday for christsake! Blame it on the finals... and the finals recovery...

Saturday (5/9/09)

Spent the ENTIRE day studying. Hubby took Madi out and they hung out until his bedtime. Really appreciated that. He also got all of the Mother's Day gift's I neglected to get. It's really not my fault that I didn't remember it was Mother's Day until Thursday. 

Sunday (5/10/09)

Mother's Day!! Slept in. Hubby and Madi gave me a very thoughtful gift - dress clothes! It was EXACTLY what I wanted (no sarcasm). The boys picked out some nice stuff. Also got a nice plant (I killed the last one, I guess he has faith in me). My brother-in-law sent me a mother's day card. SO SWEET! I love him. We got up, got dressed, tried to catch brunch, but we were moving too slow. Stopped at the mall, got some more stuff. Headed to my grandmother's for lunch. Always enjoy myself over there. Kind of disappointed with my siblings. I leave the house and suddenly, mom gets no love on Mother's Day. Really ticked me off. Oh well. Hubby, Madi & I took care of her. Hung out for a while then on to dinner. Dinner was great except for the interruption for a conference call. Overall, a perfect day.

Monday (5/11/09)

Woke up in the morniiiiiiiinnnn.... Does anyone else laugh at those ridiculously long, ridiculously flat notes in Soulja Boy's, Turn My Swag On. 

Hung out with Madi for the rest of the week. Did some heavy cleaning. Caught my breath.

Flashback...

Once again, I have neglected to update on a Friday, but hey. I'm still in finals and I'm only one day behind. Cut me some slack.

Sunday (5/3/09)

Tried to get some studying done. Unsuccessfully. Had a NBLSA conference call. 

Monday (5/4/09)

More studying. No counseling today, I'm so tired.

Tuesday (5/5/09) 

Wills & Trusts! Got up at 6:30 a.m. to do some quick review before my 9:00 a.m. test. Walked around looking for my exam room. Realized my exam was at 2:00 p.m. Tried to find the silver lining by doing some extra studying at the law school until my exam started. Got home, exhausted. The final was fair, but it beasted me. Meant to check the rest of my exams, but too tired. Besides, I just KNEW my second final was on Thursday and it was American Legal History. A day of memorization should do the trick.

Wednesday (5/6/09)

Woke up, played with Madi. Nkem took my cars keys accidentally (How do you do that? They look NOTHING like your keys) No matter. Brought them back and we headed to Granny's. Sat there for a while, exhausted. Got my ass up and headed to the office to lock myself up and "memorize." Check the exam schedule. 

American Legal History - 2:00 p.m. WEDNESDAY!!!

WTF?!?!?! Yell "Oh my fucking god." Alert the entire office. Run downstairs to my car. Drive to Norman. Try to read and drive, unsuccessfully, so use the opportunity to SOB the entire time. Wipe my face as I exit, so as to avoid any unnecessary time-wasting by having to fix my face in the parking lot. Park, run inside and plant myself at a table. Put on headphones (don't mess with me), and furiously type the one-page outline we're allowed for the essay. How was the exam? Don't know, don't ask.

Thursday (5/7/09)

Still recovering. Dad came by last night to do a "welfare check." I know I sobbed, but damn Mom, did I really need a welfare check. I love my dad, told me not to be down. "You're juggling a lot of balls, and sometimes, one of them will drop. But you are doing wonderful." I love him. Hubby was great too. Completely supportive, not even an "I told you so." Even though he told me to check my exam schedule after the Wills and Trusts mishap. I love him, too. And of course, Madi loves his mommy no matter what she forgets - as long as I don't forget him. The men in my life are great. Had lunch with Mom, that was nice (as always). My support system really holds me up.

Friday (5/8/09)

Visit from my HS friend! Love her. Commiserated about law school and the people there. She's a bit luckier than I am. Have you noticed there has been absolutely no mention of studying? That's because there hasn't been any. *sigh* When will I learn? On another note, I found my old Xanga page. Interesting...

Flashback...

So, it's not exactly Friday, but finals are coming up. Give me a break.

Friday (4/24/09)

Ran around getting food and party stuff for Madi's B

irthday Extravaganza. Helped my uncle unload the tables and chairs we rented for the backyard. Hubby got tickets to opening night of "The Lion King." Great show! I wish Madi would have been old enough to go, but we will make sure we take him when he's older. In hindsight, I dunno if it was such a good idea to go the night before the party, but we live and we learn. 

Saturday (4/25/09)

The day of the party is here! Got a late start, Lion King hangover. Pretty windy, cloudy, so my outdoor plans were ruined. Moved it inside and it still turned out great. Madi was a little fussy at first, but he loves being the center of attention so his mood changed quickly. Hubby convinced my mom to cook, so everyone was excited about that. My castle cake came out FANTASTIC! Did I mention this party was probably more about me than him, but he enjoyed it too. 

Sunday (4/26/09)

Exhausted! Just plain exhausted. I won't have another party like this at my house again. Especially if I have to rely on my husband to help clean up. Finals studying is on the homestretch...

Monday (4/27/09)

Hang out with Madi, head to marriage counseling, lunch with mom, study, study, study.

Tuesday (4/28/09)

Wake up early. Make some dinner for later. Head to the law school library. Study, study, class, study.

Wednesday (4/29/09)

Class at 8. No class at 9, so used that time to work on "reflection papers." Found out we get to use an outline for American Legal History (thank GOD, that was only reason I took that damn class). Then grabbed some food and headed home to study...

Thursday (4/30/09)

Same schedule, add wills & trusts. LAST DAY OF CLASS! Had to dress up for this DAMN Awards Ceremony. Packed some jeans to change into, then headed to the library. Law school is still filled with STUPID, IMMATURE people. Got home late, had to be satisfied with kissing my sleeping Madi.

Friday (5/1/09)

No class!!! Went to the office and holed myself up in the "cave." Studied there for a while, then came home to study. "Bringing home a visitor." Thanks for the heads up, scramble to clean up the shit he said he would clean up from Saturday.  Met hubby's "stepsister" for the first time. SMH. He heads out to "happy hour" and other random BS. Can you tell I am a little irritated? He always finds a weekend of unnecessary BS to be involved in right before something MAJOR is going on in my life. Whatever. Counseled a fellow new mom and sufferer of husband's ignorance. Oh, to commiserate. 

Saturday (5/2/09)

Woke up late. Got some studying done. Got ready for hubby's friend's wedding. Hair is acting crazy, maybe because I haven't really been combing it, but in any event, the curl pattern is gone from the ends. May have to cut. Struggle with hair, finally leave. Wedding was interesting. Glad we got married in our living room, so...much...sap, could...not...deal. Got home late. Study for a few hours, head to bed.

Gotta go. At this very moment, Madi is banging on the door of the room I'm studying in yelling "Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmm!!!!!" He never does this to his father. Welcome to motherhood.

Flashback Friday...

In the American spirit of stealing ideas and well, jut stealing ideas, I (after being inspired by a fellow mom's style) am going to try to do these Friday flashbacks. They will be a re-cap of my week. Not only will it help you (whoever you are) keep up with me, but it might also help me keep up with me! 

Friday (4/17/09)

School is long. I have class from 8:00 a.m. until 12:15 p.m. with 10 minute breaks every hour. I also leave school and go straight to work at the Supreme Court, but today I was locked out. So, I went home and worked there. Also did some major cleaning, conveniently saving my atrocious closet for next week, ha! My guys came home a bit late, but it g

ave me a chance to get a lot done. It's so hard to keep the house OCD clean like I would prefer it. I should be used to that, since it hasn't been OCD clean since the week my husband was out of town when I was pregnant.

Saturday (4/18/09)

Hubby off to play basketball at 6:30 a.m. I would NEVER sacrifice my Saturday mornings for anyone but my kids, so more power to him. Madi wakes up about 7, I feed him and we lay in bed for a few hours. He's so sweet, letting me sleep in. I get this feeling it won't last

much longer... Made some breakfast quiche cups. Modified them a bit by adding smoked sausage instead of bacon. They were pretty good. Hubby didn't really like the biscuit part. I usually make these, (and add a bit of pie crust on the bottom) and he seems to like those. I like them both, so in the interest of family unity... Maybe, I'll just keep cooking whatever the hell I feel like cooking! Hubby came home, got Madi ready and they took off running "man errands." That included his first haircut! Mommy was very happy about that. I have been resisting the urge to chop it for about 5 months now. It naturally grew into this frohawk, so we just had it trimmed a bit. It was pretty cute!

Later that evening, we had "date night" with another couple from our neighborhood. We went to eat at Cafe' Do Brazil. It was pretty good. Before we knew it, we were running late to our salsa dancing class. THAT was a lot of fun. It was in Norman, but we had a blast. Sarah, the instructor, taught us a few salsa steps for the first hour and the rest of the time was just freestyle. From time to time she would stop and teach us meringue or other dances. I really enjoyed myself. We also hit a few clubs (which really aren't my thing, but my hubby enjoys them), stopped at Bobo's and headed home.

Sunday (4/19/09)

Hubby and I slept in. Madi was at his Granny's house, so I drove out there to pick him up. There is no telling what he ate out there. So far, I've caught her feeding him root beer floats, candy, chocolate, Dr. Pepper, and pretty much all the stuff I was trying to avoid entering his 

system. So much for making organic baby food for all those months. BTW, I am so glad he is eating table food now. I was at the end of my baby food making rope! Came home, Hubby was at a frat meeting. When he got there we watched "No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency." I love that show. Also spent some time doing NBLSA stuff. We haven't even transitioned yet and I can already see that it will require an inordinate amount of time.

Monday (4/20/09)

No school today, thank God. Madi and I hung around the house for a bit, talked to Z on Skype, then we got ready and I dropped him off at his G-Granny's. Met my hubby for our weekly marriage counseling at noon. This was our fourth week. It's so funny, everytime I tell someone that we're going to marriage counseling, they get this really concerned look. Marriage counseling is not just for "big" issues. In fact, I think it's more productive to go when there are little things so that they don't grow to be "big" issues. I think I'll save more discussion for a post. Headed to my mom's office to work on some NBLSA stuff, then headed to my sister's school to help her with high jump. I was a pretty decent high jumper in HS, but I've been so busy I haven't had time to help her like I (or she) would like. Funny thing is, the girl's been bugging me to help her for months, and then forgot her damn shoes. Ended up helping her teammate more, but whatever. Picked up Madi, headed home, threw on dinner, bathed him and put him to bed. We've been trying this new sleep technique. I like it better than Ferber, that is too traumatic for me. (Yes, I know I said me, and I know parenting is not about "me," but if I can avoid trauma without sacrificing good parenting then I will).

TUESDAY (4/21/09)

Today is Madi's birthday! I can't believe it's been one year! I 

feel like I just brought him home. I skipped work and class and we spent the entire day together. First, we went to the grocery store so he could pick out a little "smash cake." Then we visited his G-Granny, and finally headed over to his Granny's office. Came home, I cooked dinner and then we opened presents and let him have at his cake. That got pretty interesting. It was a really great day. I will post about that separately, too.

Wednesday (4/22/09)

Class from 8:00 a.m. - 10:50 a.m. Ran to grab a letter from Student Services and somehow got dragged into a meeting with a prospective student and the dean. I swear, they need to give me another scholarship, a paycheck, or something for all the stuff they have me doing! But, seeing as how I make such a fuss about not seeing many brown faces around here, I guess I should shut up and help. Grabbed some food around 1:30. Headed back to school. Studied, took a break and had some interesting conversation with classmates (which actually spurred the post before this) and headed home around 10:00 p.m. Got a lot accomplished, but I hate not seeing my baby before he goes to bed. Such is life, it's finals time.

Thursday (4/23/09)

Class from 8:00 a.m. - 12:15 p.m. Grabbed lunch with my law school buddy, ran our mouths for a few hours, then headed to my grandma's (G-Granny) to hang out with her and mom (Granny), my two favorite women. Had an interesting conversation with my father (another subject that requires a separate post), and spent some time watching my son go between his granny's being spoiled at every turn. That used to be me, lol. What a charmed life. After a few hours, we headed home, I threw on some dinner and retreated to our room to do some studying. I ended up watching College Hill for the first time. Drama. Enjoyable, but I'm sure I lost a few brain cells.

I am not sorry...

You know what?

I am not sorry.

I am abrasive, offensive, rude, straight-forward, and insensitive. I don't sugar coat things, and I don't deal well with sensitive people.

And I am not sorry.

This year was my second year in law school. As such, I really tried to reach out to the new black law students, particularly the women. But, no matter what I do, someone is always upset. My husband was told by a few of these students that I can sometimes put them off. In an effort to debunk this facade, I sent an e-mail to each of them letting them know that although I may seem abrasive, I genuinely want to help them. I apologized if there were ever any issues or things about me that put them off, offered them whatever help I could, and encouraged them to talk with me so we could work together.

I got all kinds of e-mails back, some telling me that they never had an issue, others appreciative of my olive branch. Keep in mind, I had no idea what I had "done" to upset people, I only knew that they were upset and tried to rectify it.

And here I am again, in the same position. There are people upset with me that I didn't even know had problems. The part that kills me is that NO ONE has EVER voiced these concerns with me. They just do that passive aggressive attitude shit that I don't have time for.

Did I already tell you that I don't have time for this? I'm mad at myself right now for wasting my time writing about it.

I guess what really upsets me is that I went OUT OF MY WAY to be nice and accommodating. This, if you know me at all, is something I have never done. I've always had a "take me as I am or fuck you" attitude. But, I felt like I should make an effort, primarily for these reasons. First, there aren't enough of us here to make people feel isolated. Second, law school is rough enough without having to deal with extracurricular bullshit or intimidation. And last, I really wanted to be helpful to an incoming law student the way that I wanted someone to help me.

I am not JUST abrasive, I am not JUST rude. I am also helpful, caring, considerate, and funny. But they will never know that about me because they prefer to view me negatively. I've stepped out of who I am to be someone that they still are not happy with and I'm not doing that EVER again. I am going to be me! 

And I am not sorry.