Bad Mommy Day...

Every mom has those days when they feel like they are officially out of the running for mommy of the year.

I am having one of those days.

My granny, who watches Madi while we’re at work, called me this afternoon. She rarely ever calls me so I knew that it was something really good or something bad. Since he just had his potty phenomenon, I figured it might’ve been something bad.

Turns out that in my haste this morning to get him ready, I put his shoe on with his toes curled under. I noticed that it was a little difficult to get his shoe on, but I thought it was the angle or something – honestly, I didn’t really pay much attention to WHY it was hard, I just put it on and kept going.

So, at my granny’s he took a step and fell over crying. She noticed him limping and took his shoe off and saw that his toes were curled under. His big toe was a bit swollen and the bottom of his toenail was bleeding a little. I was at work then, but when I got home I cried and kissed him and told him I was sorry.

I know, I know. It’s not that big of a deal, it’s just his toe.

But you don’t understand. There is this immense pressure to… I don’t know… not fuck it up. Like, I don’t want to mess up this kid. So, for me, it wasn’t about a big toe. For me it was like, jeez, you can’t even put the boy’s shoe on right, how are you going to handle the big stuff?

I’ve had these days before. When he was three days old I accidentally dropped a lotion bottle on his head. It only grazed it, but I immediately started bawling. Madi kept doing what most babies his age do – nothing.

When he was about six months I was carrying too much stuff to the car, dropped something and put his car seat on top of my husband’s car while I bent over to pick up the lost item. Predictably, his car seat slid off and I barely grabbed a hold of it before the bottom hit the ground. He cried for a few seconds.

I cried for an hour.

I guess the point is this: There are going to be some mistakes (duh). And even though us moms know that, it doesn’t make the mistakes (no matter how big or small) hurt any less. It’s just part of having a bad mommy day.

Updated: I *really* love that kid...

Madi peed on the potty for the first time today!!!

Jeez, I love that kid.

*Update*

Madi continued using the potty for the rest of the day! And when he came home he used the potty there, too! He did pee a little on the floor, but at least he got some in the potty, too!

He is only a little over 14 months old. I am so proud of him. And thank God for my grandmother. She is absolutely awesome. I'm a little nervous about continuing here at home. I hope I can do as well as she did.

I *really* love that kid.

A Lesson I Carry Every Day...

We spent the weekend in Dallas with my hubby's grandfather. He is over 80 and loves Madi so that was nice. It was the second Father's Day I've spent away from my Dad, so that was a little tough. I also felt a bit conflicted because on the way back from Dallas we stopped at my father's house. It just felt strange to spend Father's Day with him and not see the man who acted like my father for most of my life.

I guess I should do a little explaining. When I refer to my "Dad," I am usually talking about my stepfather. He and my mother have been together for nearly 20 years. I'm not much older than that. Let's just say he was at my kindergarten graduation. He has always treated me like his biological daughter even when I was a complete teenage asshole. I have always loved and appreciated him because he loved me and he didn't have to. I think that's pretty special.

On the other hand, my "father" and I have a tumultuous relationship. I would rather not spend much time talking about that, I will simply say that efforts to reconcile were always thwarted by some random and unpredictable outburst or lashing out on his part. As a result, I have made a logical decision to stop seeking a "father-daughter" relationship with him.

When I got pregnant, we were not on speaking terms. But as I got closer to my delivery date, I thought about my son being afforded an opportunity to have a relationship with his biological grandfather. Family is important to me, and although my stepfather is great, I would like for my son to know ALL of where he comes from. The fact that I tried so many times to build a relationship with my father is evidence of how important I think he is. And although that relationship may never be salvaged, I do not want to stop him from being a great grandfather if that's who he wants to be. 

It made me very emotional. I didn't want him to hurt my son the way that he hurt me. I was also forced to confront the notion that I couldn't protect my son from everything even if I wanted to. So, I really struggled with this - the idea of making he and my son's relationship work even though ours didn't. Fortunately, hubby came to the rescue and met with him before our son was born and serve(d/s) as a sort of liaison. When we visit I go too, but he's become "Grandpa Alan," instead of "Dad." That works for me.

In any event, I didn't mean to make this post about my poor relationship with my father. I think the lesson my father taught me is to ensure that I pick a good father for my children so they never have to go through the things that I did. The past two father's day, and every day since I first discovered I was pregnant I am so thankful (and sometimes jealous) that my son has such a great father. Father's are invaluable. They have such an impact on esteem, something that I didn't realize until I was a bit older. I thank my father for teaching me that - a lesson I carry every day.

Jumped In!

This week we started parent/child swim class at our local YMCA. It is an eight-session class - 30 minute classes Monday - Thursday for two weeks. We just finished our first week and we are having a blast!

During Madi's first two months he would scream through bath time. We bathed him on one of

those bath slings and I think he didn't really like being exposed in the air. We took baths together and he seemed to tolerate those. As he got older, bath time became more and more fun for him, which was great.

Before swim class Madi had only been swimming a few times. He was three or four months then and seemed to innately know how to paddle and kick. That was so amazing. Recently, we took him swimming at a pool with graduated depth. He LOVED that, so much that I had to keep him from walking in too deep!

Things were a bit different in swim class. The first night, Madi clung to me and didn't want to play or splash at all. I was really worried that the next two weeks would be miserable - for him AND me. 

The next day, Madi had something in store for me! He was surprisingly much more comfortable, kicking, splashing, dipping his face in the water (and drinking it, too), and laughing! He even jumped in! 

Flashback...

I think I am getting worse. It's almost Tuesday for christsake! Blame it on the finals... and the finals recovery...

Saturday (5/9/09)

Spent the ENTIRE day studying. Hubby took Madi out and they hung out until his bedtime. Really appreciated that. He also got all of the Mother's Day gift's I neglected to get. It's really not my fault that I didn't remember it was Mother's Day until Thursday. 

Sunday (5/10/09)

Mother's Day!! Slept in. Hubby and Madi gave me a very thoughtful gift - dress clothes! It was EXACTLY what I wanted (no sarcasm). The boys picked out some nice stuff. Also got a nice plant (I killed the last one, I guess he has faith in me). My brother-in-law sent me a mother's day card. SO SWEET! I love him. We got up, got dressed, tried to catch brunch, but we were moving too slow. Stopped at the mall, got some more stuff. Headed to my grandmother's for lunch. Always enjoy myself over there. Kind of disappointed with my siblings. I leave the house and suddenly, mom gets no love on Mother's Day. Really ticked me off. Oh well. Hubby, Madi & I took care of her. Hung out for a while then on to dinner. Dinner was great except for the interruption for a conference call. Overall, a perfect day.

Monday (5/11/09)

Woke up in the morniiiiiiiinnnn.... Does anyone else laugh at those ridiculously long, ridiculously flat notes in Soulja Boy's, Turn My Swag On. 

Hung out with Madi for the rest of the week. Did some heavy cleaning. Caught my breath.

Flashback...

Once again, I have neglected to update on a Friday, but hey. I'm still in finals and I'm only one day behind. Cut me some slack.

Sunday (5/3/09)

Tried to get some studying done. Unsuccessfully. Had a NBLSA conference call. 

Monday (5/4/09)

More studying. No counseling today, I'm so tired.

Tuesday (5/5/09) 

Wills & Trusts! Got up at 6:30 a.m. to do some quick review before my 9:00 a.m. test. Walked around looking for my exam room. Realized my exam was at 2:00 p.m. Tried to find the silver lining by doing some extra studying at the law school until my exam started. Got home, exhausted. The final was fair, but it beasted me. Meant to check the rest of my exams, but too tired. Besides, I just KNEW my second final was on Thursday and it was American Legal History. A day of memorization should do the trick.

Wednesday (5/6/09)

Woke up, played with Madi. Nkem took my cars keys accidentally (How do you do that? They look NOTHING like your keys) No matter. Brought them back and we headed to Granny's. Sat there for a while, exhausted. Got my ass up and headed to the office to lock myself up and "memorize." Check the exam schedule. 

American Legal History - 2:00 p.m. WEDNESDAY!!!

WTF?!?!?! Yell "Oh my fucking god." Alert the entire office. Run downstairs to my car. Drive to Norman. Try to read and drive, unsuccessfully, so use the opportunity to SOB the entire time. Wipe my face as I exit, so as to avoid any unnecessary time-wasting by having to fix my face in the parking lot. Park, run inside and plant myself at a table. Put on headphones (don't mess with me), and furiously type the one-page outline we're allowed for the essay. How was the exam? Don't know, don't ask.

Thursday (5/7/09)

Still recovering. Dad came by last night to do a "welfare check." I know I sobbed, but damn Mom, did I really need a welfare check. I love my dad, told me not to be down. "You're juggling a lot of balls, and sometimes, one of them will drop. But you are doing wonderful." I love him. Hubby was great too. Completely supportive, not even an "I told you so." Even though he told me to check my exam schedule after the Wills and Trusts mishap. I love him, too. And of course, Madi loves his mommy no matter what she forgets - as long as I don't forget him. The men in my life are great. Had lunch with Mom, that was nice (as always). My support system really holds me up.

Friday (5/8/09)

Visit from my HS friend! Love her. Commiserated about law school and the people there. She's a bit luckier than I am. Have you noticed there has been absolutely no mention of studying? That's because there hasn't been any. *sigh* When will I learn? On another note, I found my old Xanga page. Interesting...

Flashback...

So, it's not exactly Friday, but finals are coming up. Give me a break.

Friday (4/24/09)

Ran around getting food and party stuff for Madi's B

irthday Extravaganza. Helped my uncle unload the tables and chairs we rented for the backyard. Hubby got tickets to opening night of "The Lion King." Great show! I wish Madi would have been old enough to go, but we will make sure we take him when he's older. In hindsight, I dunno if it was such a good idea to go the night before the party, but we live and we learn. 

Saturday (4/25/09)

The day of the party is here! Got a late start, Lion King hangover. Pretty windy, cloudy, so my outdoor plans were ruined. Moved it inside and it still turned out great. Madi was a little fussy at first, but he loves being the center of attention so his mood changed quickly. Hubby convinced my mom to cook, so everyone was excited about that. My castle cake came out FANTASTIC! Did I mention this party was probably more about me than him, but he enjoyed it too. 

Sunday (4/26/09)

Exhausted! Just plain exhausted. I won't have another party like this at my house again. Especially if I have to rely on my husband to help clean up. Finals studying is on the homestretch...

Monday (4/27/09)

Hang out with Madi, head to marriage counseling, lunch with mom, study, study, study.

Tuesday (4/28/09)

Wake up early. Make some dinner for later. Head to the law school library. Study, study, class, study.

Wednesday (4/29/09)

Class at 8. No class at 9, so used that time to work on "reflection papers." Found out we get to use an outline for American Legal History (thank GOD, that was only reason I took that damn class). Then grabbed some food and headed home to study...

Thursday (4/30/09)

Same schedule, add wills & trusts. LAST DAY OF CLASS! Had to dress up for this DAMN Awards Ceremony. Packed some jeans to change into, then headed to the library. Law school is still filled with STUPID, IMMATURE people. Got home late, had to be satisfied with kissing my sleeping Madi.

Friday (5/1/09)

No class!!! Went to the office and holed myself up in the "cave." Studied there for a while, then came home to study. "Bringing home a visitor." Thanks for the heads up, scramble to clean up the shit he said he would clean up from Saturday.  Met hubby's "stepsister" for the first time. SMH. He heads out to "happy hour" and other random BS. Can you tell I am a little irritated? He always finds a weekend of unnecessary BS to be involved in right before something MAJOR is going on in my life. Whatever. Counseled a fellow new mom and sufferer of husband's ignorance. Oh, to commiserate. 

Saturday (5/2/09)

Woke up late. Got some studying done. Got ready for hubby's friend's wedding. Hair is acting crazy, maybe because I haven't really been combing it, but in any event, the curl pattern is gone from the ends. May have to cut. Struggle with hair, finally leave. Wedding was interesting. Glad we got married in our living room, so...much...sap, could...not...deal. Got home late. Study for a few hours, head to bed.

Gotta go. At this very moment, Madi is banging on the door of the room I'm studying in yelling "Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmm!!!!!" He never does this to his father. Welcome to motherhood.