Thursday, November 5, 2009

"How Rude!"

So, I was reading this post at Black and Married With Kids by Tara Pringle Jefferson. She was discussing the new song by Usher, "Papers." She is not feeling it.

I concur.

We are taught at a very early age not to "air our dirty laundry." If mama and daddy have a disagreement, well that stays in the house. If daddy forgets to pay the light bill, you don't tell your friends about "candle night."

You just don't do it.

It surprises me that as we get older, we seem to forget this rule. I'm not saying you need to be disingenuous or pretend to be happy when you're not. I'm just saying that there are some details about a relationship that should stay between those two people - divorce or not. I know we, women, have a tendency to want to tell EVERYTHING to our girlfriends. It's just not a good idea, for some reasons that are based in suspicion, but also for reasons that have more to do with intimacy - something extremely important to any relationship in my opinion.

For me, it's only sharing certain things with my husband. There are things that only he and I know - significant and insignificant. Jokes that we laugh about, lines in movies that are funny or romantic for reasons only we know, even phrases from e-mails or conversations we've had that have special meanings. Those things create that feeling of closeness and intimacy.

Even the bad times. There are arguments, certain situations, or songs that remind us of when we've struggled through something. For example, "Ben," may mean little to you, but it is connected with a particularly sad and troubling time we went through. It is not a happy memory, but I am reminded of how we pulled through that time together, and in that moment, I feel particularly close to him.

Maybe "Papers" is therapeutic for Usher. I think it's disrespectful. His divorce should be between he and his ex-wife. Maybe she was manipulative, maybe she was controlling, maybe she was Cruella DiVille.

But he picked her.

He mentions how his mother turned away from him, how all these negative things happened as a result of that union. But that was his choice. He married her when she already had a brood of children, married her knowing she was older, married her knowing his mother opposed it. THEN got her pregnant. THEN got her pregnant again. All these choices, he made. No one to blame but himself.

But even if he blames her, he should do it quietly. And privately. Not just because it's tacky as all get out. But because she deserves to have all of the moments they shared REMAIN private. Because he has children with this woman, and he should consider how they might feel hearing this song when they're older. He should consider her children - the children he chose when he chose her and how this very public break-up might be affecting them.

It's not even a good song. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How Rude!"

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