Flashback Friday...

In the American spirit of stealing ideas and well, jut stealing ideas, I (after being inspired by a fellow mom's style) am going to try to do these Friday flashbacks. They will be a re-cap of my week. Not only will it help you (whoever you are) keep up with me, but it might also help me keep up with me! 

Friday (4/17/09)

School is long. I have class from 8:00 a.m. until 12:15 p.m. with 10 minute breaks every hour. I also leave school and go straight to work at the Supreme Court, but today I was locked out. So, I went home and worked there. Also did some major cleaning, conveniently saving my atrocious closet for next week, ha! My guys came home a bit late, but it g

ave me a chance to get a lot done. It's so hard to keep the house OCD clean like I would prefer it. I should be used to that, since it hasn't been OCD clean since the week my husband was out of town when I was pregnant.

Saturday (4/18/09)

Hubby off to play basketball at 6:30 a.m. I would NEVER sacrifice my Saturday mornings for anyone but my kids, so more power to him. Madi wakes up about 7, I feed him and we lay in bed for a few hours. He's so sweet, letting me sleep in. I get this feeling it won't last

much longer... Made some breakfast quiche cups. Modified them a bit by adding smoked sausage instead of bacon. They were pretty good. Hubby didn't really like the biscuit part. I usually make these, (and add a bit of pie crust on the bottom) and he seems to like those. I like them both, so in the interest of family unity... Maybe, I'll just keep cooking whatever the hell I feel like cooking! Hubby came home, got Madi ready and they took off running "man errands." That included his first haircut! Mommy was very happy about that. I have been resisting the urge to chop it for about 5 months now. It naturally grew into this frohawk, so we just had it trimmed a bit. It was pretty cute!

Later that evening, we had "date night" with another couple from our neighborhood. We went to eat at Cafe' Do Brazil. It was pretty good. Before we knew it, we were running late to our salsa dancing class. THAT was a lot of fun. It was in Norman, but we had a blast. Sarah, the instructor, taught us a few salsa steps for the first hour and the rest of the time was just freestyle. From time to time she would stop and teach us meringue or other dances. I really enjoyed myself. We also hit a few clubs (which really aren't my thing, but my hubby enjoys them), stopped at Bobo's and headed home.

Sunday (4/19/09)

Hubby and I slept in. Madi was at his Granny's house, so I drove out there to pick him up. There is no telling what he ate out there. So far, I've caught her feeding him root beer floats, candy, chocolate, Dr. Pepper, and pretty much all the stuff I was trying to avoid entering his 

system. So much for making organic baby food for all those months. BTW, I am so glad he is eating table food now. I was at the end of my baby food making rope! Came home, Hubby was at a frat meeting. When he got there we watched "No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency." I love that show. Also spent some time doing NBLSA stuff. We haven't even transitioned yet and I can already see that it will require an inordinate amount of time.

Monday (4/20/09)

No school today, thank God. Madi and I hung around the house for a bit, talked to Z on Skype, then we got ready and I dropped him off at his G-Granny's. Met my hubby for our weekly marriage counseling at noon. This was our fourth week. It's so funny, everytime I tell someone that we're going to marriage counseling, they get this really concerned look. Marriage counseling is not just for "big" issues. In fact, I think it's more productive to go when there are little things so that they don't grow to be "big" issues. I think I'll save more discussion for a post. Headed to my mom's office to work on some NBLSA stuff, then headed to my sister's school to help her with high jump. I was a pretty decent high jumper in HS, but I've been so busy I haven't had time to help her like I (or she) would like. Funny thing is, the girl's been bugging me to help her for months, and then forgot her damn shoes. Ended up helping her teammate more, but whatever. Picked up Madi, headed home, threw on dinner, bathed him and put him to bed. We've been trying this new sleep technique. I like it better than Ferber, that is too traumatic for me. (Yes, I know I said me, and I know parenting is not about "me," but if I can avoid trauma without sacrificing good parenting then I will).

TUESDAY (4/21/09)

Today is Madi's birthday! I can't believe it's been one year! I 

feel like I just brought him home. I skipped work and class and we spent the entire day together. First, we went to the grocery store so he could pick out a little "smash cake." Then we visited his G-Granny, and finally headed over to his Granny's office. Came home, I cooked dinner and then we opened presents and let him have at his cake. That got pretty interesting. It was a really great day. I will post about that separately, too.

Wednesday (4/22/09)

Class from 8:00 a.m. - 10:50 a.m. Ran to grab a letter from Student Services and somehow got dragged into a meeting with a prospective student and the dean. I swear, they need to give me another scholarship, a paycheck, or something for all the stuff they have me doing! But, seeing as how I make such a fuss about not seeing many brown faces around here, I guess I should shut up and help. Grabbed some food around 1:30. Headed back to school. Studied, took a break and had some interesting conversation with classmates (which actually spurred the post before this) and headed home around 10:00 p.m. Got a lot accomplished, but I hate not seeing my baby before he goes to bed. Such is life, it's finals time.

Thursday (4/23/09)

Class from 8:00 a.m. - 12:15 p.m. Grabbed lunch with my law school buddy, ran our mouths for a few hours, then headed to my grandma's (G-Granny) to hang out with her and mom (Granny), my two favorite women. Had an interesting conversation with my father (another subject that requires a separate post), and spent some time watching my son go between his granny's being spoiled at every turn. That used to be me, lol. What a charmed life. After a few hours, we headed home, I threw on some dinner and retreated to our room to do some studying. I ended up watching College Hill for the first time. Drama. Enjoyable, but I'm sure I lost a few brain cells.

I am not sorry...

You know what?

I am not sorry.

I am abrasive, offensive, rude, straight-forward, and insensitive. I don't sugar coat things, and I don't deal well with sensitive people.

And I am not sorry.

This year was my second year in law school. As such, I really tried to reach out to the new black law students, particularly the women. But, no matter what I do, someone is always upset. My husband was told by a few of these students that I can sometimes put them off. In an effort to debunk this facade, I sent an e-mail to each of them letting them know that although I may seem abrasive, I genuinely want to help them. I apologized if there were ever any issues or things about me that put them off, offered them whatever help I could, and encouraged them to talk with me so we could work together.

I got all kinds of e-mails back, some telling me that they never had an issue, others appreciative of my olive branch. Keep in mind, I had no idea what I had "done" to upset people, I only knew that they were upset and tried to rectify it.

And here I am again, in the same position. There are people upset with me that I didn't even know had problems. The part that kills me is that NO ONE has EVER voiced these concerns with me. They just do that passive aggressive attitude shit that I don't have time for.

Did I already tell you that I don't have time for this? I'm mad at myself right now for wasting my time writing about it.

I guess what really upsets me is that I went OUT OF MY WAY to be nice and accommodating. This, if you know me at all, is something I have never done. I've always had a "take me as I am or fuck you" attitude. But, I felt like I should make an effort, primarily for these reasons. First, there aren't enough of us here to make people feel isolated. Second, law school is rough enough without having to deal with extracurricular bullshit or intimidation. And last, I really wanted to be helpful to an incoming law student the way that I wanted someone to help me.

I am not JUST abrasive, I am not JUST rude. I am also helpful, caring, considerate, and funny. But they will never know that about me because they prefer to view me negatively. I've stepped out of who I am to be someone that they still are not happy with and I'm not doing that EVER again. I am going to be me! 

And I am not sorry.

Pretty cool, huh?

Gosh! So much has happened. I really need to do better about posting.

First, my husband and I just got back from D.C. and all the inauguration festivities. We left our son at home because we figured that it would be CRAZY to bring an eight-month old to D.C. in the middle of winter. It was the longest I've ever been away from him (FIVE DAYS!!). It was rough, but not as bad as I thought it would be even though I missed his first steps. Although I enjoyed being able to be a part of everything, if there is one theme of the week it is LINES! Lines for everything. I really expected things to be more organized than they were. In fact, some of it was just pure idiocy. Such is government. Other than that, I enjoyed the experience and I got to see Michelle and Barack at the Western Ball. I can live with that.

It was also a nice time for my husband and I to be together. We are still learning each other and dealing with the growing pains that occur when two people merge lives and throw a baby in the mix. It was nice to know that we are still connected.

As mentioned, my son took his first steps! I guess he was officially nine months old when he did that, but he's been standing on his own since January 3. He's progressing quite nicely! I guess we're doing something right.

School is starting back up again and I have a FULL load. In law school you aren't even allowed to enroll in 18 hours without a dean's approval so I had to do that. I am externing at the Supreme Court 10 hours a week in addition to my school schedule, being a mom, wife, chef, and housekeeper. This ought to be interesting.

Did I mention I'm participating in a national law school competition, too?

I also found out that I made the Dean's List for the first time last semester! I am thrilled. My first year was so difficult, maybe more because I was so sick from pregnancy than from school. I felt like it really hindered my ability to perform my best, but I just wasn't sure. Making the Dean's List was something I needed to prove to myself and I'm glad I did it.

Oh, one of the highlights of my D.C. trip was seeing my best friend's work in "ManifestHope: D.C." an inaugural art show she participated in. The show was very selective, it was put on by Shepherd Fairey's people. You can read more about it and her work on her blog:

www.blueingreenonrepeat.wordpress.com

Pretty cool, huh?

To Undo What's Been Done...

I just watched the Oscar Grant video and I am nearly in tears. If you have not seen it, you can see it here: http://cbs5.com/local/oakland.BART.shooting.2.900634.html

First, I am not an insensitive person. I have never personally witnessed anyone be shot or killed or hurt for that matter. I have never seen a violent fight, honestly, I've never really seen a fight. I've just never personally witnessed anyone be hurt. Even movies unnerve me at times because I watch them with a "what if this were real?" perspective. "No Country for Old Men," was shocking to me.
　
I say all this because I want you to understand how sensitive I am to violence. My reaction may be more sensitive than others. For example, my husband has seen his friends die in a car accident, witnessed shootings, seen people beaten within an inch of their lives, etc. This video may impact him differently.
　
But I felt like crying.
　
It was just so senseless. Killings like this always are, but this affected me differently. Maybe because I saw it. Maybe because I'm sensitive. Or maybe because I watched that officer, without rhyme or reason, without much forethought, take the life of someone's father, someone's son, someone's friend.

As if he was shooting an animal, swatting a fly, smashing an insect. As if the person he was killing was irrelevant. Like his life was worthless. He was no one to that officer. It didn't matter he could have been everything to someone else.

What do you say to his child? What would I say to my son if Oscar had been my husband? What do you say?

What do you say to his mother? A woman who spent 40 weeks carrying that man, fed him, clothed him, made sure he went to school, watched him graduate, who invested TWENTY-TWO years of her life in his. What do you say to her?

There is nothing to say.

There is nothing to say to undo what's been done.

And that is worth crying for. Not just because OBVIOUSLY this could be any of our son's. Not just because there are people who simply do not value life, and in fact, value some lives less. But because there is NOTHING to say to undo what's been done.

Watch me grow...

Two years ago, I decided that I would not date for fun anymore. I have always known that I wanted a family, and I concluded that it was a dangerous idea to involve myself with men I've always known were temporary. Fleeting relationships with temporary men can turn themselves into permanent problems. These things I try my best to avoid.

So, at the age of twenty I decided that I would not date (or continue to date) men that I knew had no potential for marriage. I had discovered that I was much happier by myself than being involved with a man that I had no long term intentions. The truth is this: relationships are difficult. Why tread that water with someone that you know will not be around in three months?

Shortly after this decision, I met my husband. I was home for the summer, and at that time wasn't sure if I was coming back after graduation. So I certainly wasn't looking for anything serious. But he was there. And I loved him. He wasn't everything that I wanted in a man. In fact, he was actually the opposite of some of those things. But he was everything I needed (still is).

After graduation, I had some tough decisions to make. Particularly, whether or not I was going to stay on the east coast for law school or return home. At that time I would have liked to think that I made my decision independent of my relationship with him. And if we wouldn't have worked out, I probably still would have been content with my decision. But there is a small part of me that knows he was a part of my decision. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

That decision changed the course of my life forever. If I had stayed on the east coast, there would have been new experiences, but it would have really been a continuation of the old life I lived. The life of only being responsible for me, selfishness, clubbing, meeting new and interesting people, drunken nights, fun, diversity, friends. I must say, it was a great life.

There is a new life now. In less than a year after graduating, I was a wife and new mother. I always thought I would be married, always knew I wanted kids, but if you would have told me that THIS would be my life NOW, I would have laughed at you. I am twenty-two. I will be celebrating my one year anniversary with my husband in a few weeks. Sometimes, I am still surprised by it all. I would have never predicted that my life would be like this, but I am completely, whole-heartedly, in love with it.

It is a drastic change. And I don't always do as good of a job as I would like, but I am getting there. I am not yet the new me, but I am certainly not the old one. Right now, I am transitioning between the life I used to live and the life I've always wanted.

Watch me grow...

Human...

I am a new mother. My son is seven months old and he's my first child. I love him. I love being a mother. I really do.

But I had a breakdown.

A miniature, hysterical breakdown.

It was 5:50 a.m. on Friday. I am in school (law school) Monday through Wednesday from 8-3 Monday & Tuesday, and 8-6 on Wednesday. After one week of waking up nearly every hour, even with my husband taking turns (keeping in mind there is only so much he can do because I breastfeed), I was exhausted. And I broke down. I sobbed. I cried. I retreated to the guest room. I have never been so frustrated and felt so helpless in my life.

I don't know why I felt the need to preface this revelation with insistings about my love for him. But I've obviously decided that it will remain there, so maybe I'm a bit more aware than I'd care to acknowledge. Most parents (my experiences are usually with women), don't acknowledge these breakdowns. Fortunately, my mother has always been straight with me, and that helps. But even with the knowledge that sometimes you will falter, sometimes you will reach the end of your rope, and that sometimes you will breakdown, I still felt bad about it. It was as if I was failing as a mother. As if I was not allowed to be human.

And I am! Allowed to be human, I mean. I am not perfect. I am not always patient. I am not always kind. I do not always do the right thing. Honestly, I'm not sure that I would like to be that way. Imagine being the kid of a perfect parent. Talk about pressure! But it is hard to remind myself that it is good for me to be imperfect, to be human. I wrote this entry to remind myself.

I am a good mother. My son is healthy and thriving. I make his baby food. I'm still breasfeeding for christsakes (lol)! I can spend hours playing with him without realizing how much time has flown by. I think he is the coolest thing on earth (at least in the daytime, ha!). But most important, I love him more than I love myself. And I think (well, I hope) that this is what good mothering boils down to. Possibly, I am not the only new (or experienced) mother who has had or does occasionally have a breakdown. I just hope that if I am not alone, someone is there to tell them that it is okay to be human.

You Can Win.

This election was critical.


Not just because of the economy, the war, healthcare, marriage, energy, global warming, etc. As a mother, a black mother, this election was critical because it solidified the fact that my son's possibilities are TRULY endless.


Mothers everywhere (and fathers) tell their sons that they can be anything. They tell them that if they work hard, if they do their best, they can do whatever they want to do. But conversations between black mothers and black sons have always included an addendum. The asterisk.


"Son, you can be whatever you want to be. *But things won't come easy for you. Nothing will be handed to you. You will have to work twice as hard. Be twice as smart. Do twice as much. And in some people's eyes you will still be less than them, even when you do more. But you are not. You are as good or better."

That conversation has changed. It has officially changed . Now, I will tell my son that he can be WHATEVER he wants to be, and it will not be followed by an asterisk. It will not be prefaced with doubt or apprehension or fear or cynicism. Barack Obama has shown America, the world, that even though you may have to be damn near perfect, you can be black, and you can win.